green honu in maui

green honu in maui
the search for the light above...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

spilt beans or milk...?!?!

i'm having a bit of a hard time, as my friend's dog got 7 staples sometime around the time my plane was landing; of course the vet said it wasn't a bite from phoenix, but more of a tear from somewhere yet unknown, so it still bothers me. plus they got me a parking ticket at like 3:40am on the 20th, which they are going to help me pay, but i don't know how much yet...

on top of that, i came hope to a filthy house that almost made me puke from the wretched smell coming from the garbage that was almost overflowing, not to mention both sides of the sink full of dishes from(?) a time i'm unsure of, but i know which roommate it is - dan. he never came home last night, and his dog busted through the screen door again! so i sent him a text saying we need to talk about everything, plus MUCH more than this, like the fact that i cleaned the whole house before i left, which was his shit to begin with...

he just came by long enough to shower, feed his dog and get clothes until he can get a car, which he said may be the end of the week, and that he'd like to wait to talk about everything until then, but he at least cleaned up what was in the sink before he left, thank god.  it might be the best thing, because i am completely beside myself right now and i would probably not be able to keep my composure at this point.  i wish i had someone to talk to, so i apologize for using this space to do it, but i promise to bring it all back around at the end, which is something i haven't done in quite a while, so PLEASE stick with me...

i need a better me, so i can be better for you, and anyone else that i can reach, but i can never be anything to anyone else if i am nothing or nobody to myself, and i don't even know who i am or what to do right now. so i feel this is a MAJOR step in the direction i need to be going, as i've learned the hard way to trust my intuitions...

i can't eat.
i can't sleep.
i can't think straight.


i can change.
i can be strong.
i can eventually be anything.

i will write more.
i will shoot more film.
i will play more music.
i will take more pictures.
i will learn to edit all of the above,
as i rise above this rut i've been in.

i am looking for a new place to live.
i am looking for a more reliable car.
i'm changing my thoughts.
i'm changing me,
so that i can finally find the real me,
which is where my happiness truly resides,
so i can fulfill what i'm supposed to be doing -
trying my best to make this world a better place,
much like yourself, believe it or not...

i can see a natural radiance in you that i don't believe you recognize in yourself.  you deserve more credit from MANY others, including yourself, as you are gorgeous from within, which is a VERY rare thing these days, and it hurts me to see you lose sight of that, which is why i am here - to remind my muse that she IS beautiful in every humanly way possible, as nobody is perfect, but you are to me, and ALWAYS will be...

so, i'll leave this with another song that i believe expresses that thought better than i can at this exact moment; be sure to read the words, as they are meant for all of us, but ESPECIALLY you and i......:


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